Sleeping at Desk? Ten things to say when
caught:
10. "They told me at the Blood Bank
this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they
raved about in the time management course you sent me to!"
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout.
You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on
the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost
figured out how to handle that big problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of
these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"
AND THE NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get
caught sleeping at your desk........
1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus
name, Amen."
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Claven was explaining the buffalo theory to Norm. And here's how it went:
"Well, ya see Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Stupid Thoughts:
If a person with multiple personalities
threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
What ever happened to Preparations A through G?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been
dissing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibeans need to wait an hour before getting out of
the water?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they reserve parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman
talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
The Chemistry Exam:
The following is supposedly an actual question
given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by
one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with
colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their
beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it
is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing
in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls
are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look
at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will
go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions
and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at
the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that
in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell
will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year
that,
" it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell
has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and
is therefore extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence
of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?...Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?...
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this..."